If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Telepath wanted: you know where to apply
Inland Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Watch out for the idiot behind me
I'm driving this way just to piss you off
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Lord save me from your followers.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenceless animals, especially in gravy
Barbie is not a slut- her legs don't open
Dont piss me off- I am running out of places to hide the bodies
Which is the odd one out- Texas, Alabama, Arkanas, Tolerance?
Ban toilet cleaner- Germs have feelings too
Be nice to your children- they choose your nursing home
How do you confuse a wanker? 37
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a keg ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once. The ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Reality is for people with no imagination
Rehab Is for Quitters
Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Discourage inbreeding - Ban Country Music.
They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.
Police Station Toilet Stolen.... Cops have nothing to go on.
Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Welcome to Kentucky - Set your watch back 20 years.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs
Life is sexually transmitted.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Clones are people two.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Honk If You Want To See My Finger!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a speed bump and spill your drink.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
Friends help you move house. Real friends help you move bodies.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
All generalizations are false.
I wasnt born a bitch, its men like you that made me this way
I'm not a bitch, I am THE bitch!
Men are not pigs. Pigs are sweet, intelligent, sensitive, clean animals.
I love animals- they taste great.
Where there's a will, I wanna be in it.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Dont laugh. Your daughter could be in here.
Never let school get in the of your EDUCATION.
Hard work never hurt anybody, but then I figured why take the risk.
I'd give up chocolate, but I'm no quitter
Everyone makes mistakes, that why pencil have erasers
If you can read this:- you too damn close
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M
What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
Obsession is the word lazy people give to those of us who are motivated.
I have PMS. Therefore I can legally kill you.
When in doubt- shup up!
If they dont have chocolate in heaven, I AINT GOING!
I'm talking to myself- please dont eavesdrop!
God must love stupid people- he made so many.
I got kicked outta Scouts for eating a Brownie.
If you can read this I'm not going fast enough.