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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is  this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.   Don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually.   Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap!

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits  and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?    Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So, a steak is  nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your  recommended daily allowance of  vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.   As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into  three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable.  We all know  that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?  My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body to fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio   is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,   etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a   regular exercise program?
A: Cant' think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is:   No pain...Good!

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and  peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself  to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.  Foods are fried these days in vegetable  oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more   vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around  the middle?
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.   You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?! Hello....Cocoa beans..Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about food and diets.  Have a cookie...flour is a veggie!

One more thing...

When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
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